Trauma From An Absent Parent

There are two ways to grow up without a parent. One is the obvious way, absence, departure or death. The other is quieter, and in some ways harder to process, because it comes without the clarity of an obvious loss. The parent might have been in the house, at the dinner table or sometimes in the same room but not available for connection in the way that counted. Not reachable.

This might have looked like many different things from the outside. A father who worked constantly and came home depleted. A mother who battled with depression, alcohol or anxiety and possibly had a  history they'd never examined. All of this meant there was little left over for the child in front of them... which was you.

If truth could be told, that parent was someone who was physically present but emotionally somewhere else. They loved in their own way but couldn't show it in ways that truly mattered to you.

Visually, this is perhaps how it played out...Growing up you learned to adjust to what was available. You learnt not to need what wasn't there. You developed coping mechanisms of self sufficiency, performance, masking, humour or withdrawal. Basically, whatever worked and those strategies became so embedded that by adulthood they felt like your personality.

With my therapy lens, I see this adaptation as being a response to developmental trauma.

What tends to surface in your formative years and later as an adult is harder to trace back to its source. You might experience it as difficulty with intimacy that seems to come from nowhere or a pattern of either not needing people or needing them too much or a desire for approval that follows you into your professional life and relationships.

None of this requires blaming or vilifying anyone. What it does require is honesty about what was present and what was missing.

If this resonates with you, I offer a safe and confidential space to unpack complex emotions and break patterns that no longer serve you or your relationships.